i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
