Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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