Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
