I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
