I'm gonna have a badass scar
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
