Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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