Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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