Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
