respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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