Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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