i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
