i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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