Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
