i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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