when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
