Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
