White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
