I hate all girls vehemently.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
