6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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