If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
