This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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