***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize