had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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