I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize