I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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