Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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