I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
