I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
