I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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