Someone shit on the floor
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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