Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
