i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
