When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
