I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
