Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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