if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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