I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
