I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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