WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You ate ashes out of my bong
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