I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
