I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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