He disabled his match.com account in front of me
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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