Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
