Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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