Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
