My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
wow bdsm is so cute
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
