i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize