I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
