you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
