Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
