I puked a lego.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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