Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
