I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
