He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize