Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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