Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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