The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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