A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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