New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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