Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I need moral support for this bender
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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