I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
