i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
