I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
