...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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