My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
