So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
