Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
