I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
