It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
